The roles of the alcoholic and drug addict in the family

Alcoholism and drug addiction as a family disease. Secondary family benefits from consumption. Family roles of an alcoholic and a drug addict: «trash can», «scapegoat», «errand boy», «subordinate», «doll». Realization of subconscious family scenarios: «substitute figure», «family curse». Treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction as a change in family relationships.

You can often hear the expression that alcoholism and drug addiction is a “family disease”. At the same time, the layman often puts in this the understanding that because of the alcoholism / drug addiction of one member, the rest of the family suffers, that is, “gets sick”. This, of course, is a completely correct observation, but the very expression “addiction is a family disease” has a slightly different meaning. Its essence lies in the fact that alcoholism or drug addiction of a loved one is a symptom of painful relationships in the family. Not only does the rest of the family suffer because of the addict’s use, but the addict also uses because of unhealthy family relationships. When does the addict begin treatment for his alcoholism (drug addiction) (see the article “ What is the treatment of alcoholism?”), then the family does not automatically become healthy from this (and most often still resists the success of treatment in every possible way). Therefore, in a broad sense, the process of treating alcoholism and drug addiction should be not only individual, but also family.

This article focuses on secondary family benefits from alcoholism and drug addiction, as well as describing what destructive roles are usually attributed to the addict in his family.

So, secondary family benefits from addiction and the role of the alcoholic/addict in the family:

1.  » Trash can « . The addict plays the role of a «trash bin» into which you can «drain» the tension that the family could not process. All the emotional negativity received in different places, and which could not be left there (as a banal example, the attacks of the boss at work, who cannot be answered), can be played back at home on your dependent relative. If this relative stops drinking and begins the process of treating his alcoholism or drug addiction, then the family system will have to face a negative emotional field, which will now have to be processed on its own, without “draining” on its alcoholic/drug addict. Well, or «return» that into use.

2. » Scapegoat « . It is easy for an alcoholic and a drug addict to give up the role of the culprit in all failures, shifting responsibility for these failures from themselves. Tell your alcoholic husband “ You ruined my whole life !” much easier than taking responsibility for an unsuccessfully lived life on yourself (that is, admitting to yourself the truth). As in the first case, stopping the use of a relative and returning him to a normal psychological position (in which he will refuse such accusations) automatically closes the convenient way of delegating guilt to the addict and, accordingly, suggests taking responsibility for his failures on himself. Which is not so pleasant and convenient.

3. » The errand boy « . The addict plays the role of the executor of all the whims and unpleasant affairs in the family, bears unnecessary duties, etc. After all, the usual state of an addict (during periods of sobriety) is an all-consuming feeling of guilt and the inability to say “No!”, And this is convenient to use to delegate a huge number of responsibilities to him. When an addict learns to set boundaries and answer “No!” in the process of treating alcoholism / drug addiction, the family system usually does not like this, and it begins to resist such “wrong treatment”.

4. » Subordinate « . The alcoholic/drug addict plays the role of the youngest in the family hierarchy. He does not make decisions, he does not have the right to vote, he must fulfill what others have decided, etc. Over time, sobriety in the process of treating alcoholism or drug addiction, the addict begins to naturally try to regain his rightful place in the family hierarchy. Others, of course, have to give up, which they do not quite like.

5. » Doll « . A typical role for a family where the role of the dependent is played by a son or daughter. But maybe in the wife-husband system (“adopted her husband”). The point is that “parents” try in every way to prevent their child from growing up and separating, wanting to “baby” with him longer, and addiction helps a lot. The process of treating alcoholism and drug addiction causes great resistance, since it is essentially a process of psychological maturation, the result of which will be a separation from parental figures.

The list, of course, is not exhaustive with these listed secondary family benefits and the corresponding roles. Each family member with addiction probably has a lot to add to this list.

In addition to the secondary benefits of the family as a whole system, the addict can also serve as the realization of negative subconscious attitudes of other family members.

1. » Substitute figure «. Suppose a woman grew up in a family where her father drank. The typical reaction of a child to his father’s drinking will be to suffer guilt and shame for his drinking and secretly desire to save his father from drinking. Childish desire to save a drinking father in adulthood is suppressed and becomes unconscious. This may subsequently lead the woman to find an alcoholic husband (or «make» her husband an alcoholic) in order to fulfill her subconscious program of saving her father. The alcoholic husband in this case is a substitute figure for the father. Such a wife will subconsciously resist in every possible way the treatment of her husband for alcoholism, as this contradicts her subconscious attitude to save her father from alcoholism. A substitute figure can perform various functions of a substitute implementation of what could not be done with another significant parent figure: rescue,

2. » Family Curse « . On a subconscious level, negative destructive attitudes can pass from generation to generation (one of the most negative common examples is that reaching a certain age for several generations, they commit suicide). It is not necessary that this “curse” last for several generations, it is enough that the mother for some reason passed this attitude to her daughter (son). So a woman with a negative “your marriage life will fail” attitude will find an alcoholic husband (or “make” her husband an alcoholic) so that the “curse” will be fulfilled. In the same way, you can raise a son (daughter) to be an alcoholic, etc. Treatment for alcoholism and drug addiction does not allow the «curse» to be fulfilled, and the family member resists this.

The treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction as a family disease implies a global restructuring of the system of relations in the family and, if necessary, psychotherapy of its members. It is highly desirable that all family members participate in this treatment process (personal psychotherapy for each plus regular family therapy). If other family members do not participate in the process, then the addict has a double job of restructuring family relations, overcoming the resistance of the family system, and protecting against explicit and implicit negative provocations. It should be remembered that engaging only in personal recovery and without changing relationships in the family, a breakdown is almost inevitable. Looking for reliable alcohol rehab services can be an integral part of initiating this comprehensive healing journey.

Sincerely, practical psychologist Denis Starkov.